Lydia's Journey BEYOND Hollywood

Follow an actress's journey beyond Hollywood. The life after a successful 10 year career...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Should've Been a Great Day

ok, I had TWO auditions today. It's been so dead that when I get TWO auditions in one day - that's freakin' amazing! But what I'm pissed about is, today should've been a great day. And it wasn't.
ok, let me explain....I headed over to my first audition for the day. It was for the Eddie Murphy feature Norbit. The role was a very fun beautician with lots of attitute. I felt good going in. I chatted outside with some other actors waiting to go in, and it got me in the comedic mood. I felt great. I went in and did an ok job. Just an ok job.
Then I had my second audition for a new 1/2 hour comedy called The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman. The role calls for an actor with great comedic skills. I read for an immigrant's wife named Leticia. Most of the dialogue was in spanish - or with a thick accent. It's a very funny scene where I start off sweet - then my husband's fingertip gets cut off and I'm in this frantic mode - and quite pissed at the lady who caused it. That audition went ok as well. Again...just ok.
And I guess that's what pisses me off.
There was a time when I used to go in to these auditions and just KILL. I don't want to sound conceited, but I remember when I had a great audition, and I would walk out KNOWING the part was mine. I had such confidence in my skill - but lately, it seems like I haven't KILLED in a long time. And it just makes me mad at myself. I don't get it.
I'm trying not to sound negative, especially since I get emails from people thanking me for staying so positive. So, somehow I will try and turn this into a positive post.
But first, I have to vent.
It makes me want to throw in the towel. I know that sounds harsh and extreme - and I'm probably talking out of anger right now anyway - but I left that last audition with the attitute of "I give up". Mainly because the only thing I ever wanted in this career was to be good. No, to be great actually. I wanted people to remember me for my talent. And respect me for it. It wasn't the fame that drew me to this career - it was the hope of someday becoming one of the greats - to the point where people really respected my work. (That's why I love actors like Don Cheadle and Philip Seymor Hoffman - they are "actor's actors") But it feels like somehow I turned into a mediocre actor - and I don't want to be that. Why on earth would I continue doing this if I don't think I'm great? There are too many actors in this town who aren't great and do get work. I don't want to be one of them.
I miss when I had the confidence in my talent where I could walk in and own a part. And walk out knowing it was mine. And for some reason, lately, I've just been ok. And ok doesn't get the part. Or shouldn't - in my opinion. I don't want to be JUST ok. I refuse to be. Granted I have A LOT going on in my life right now that can stand to be an excuse for not being on the top of my game. But, I'm not one to make excuses. (haha - at least I hope I'm not!)
ok, so where do I go from here? Let's try the positive spin now. There are two directions I can go with this. I can be negative and give up on myself and this career. Move away from LA and do Lord knows what. OR, I could try and figure out what's going on with me at this moment and how can I change it back to where I'm ME again - in all my glory. :-)
Possible solutions to this "mediocre" feeling I have is maybe be more prepared before my audition. I didn't get that 2nd audition until last night, and I looked it over - but I probably could've worked on it some more. Maybe not get into friendly discussions right before I go into the audition room. Maybe that's just it - I know what I'm supposed to do - I'm just slacking. Maybe the reason I've been off my game is I've been out of practice. It's been slow lately and I haven't had a lot of auditions, so maybe I'm "rusty". Maybe I need to do a play to keep me stretching my acting muscles. Maybe I need to get into class - or take advantage of the member's classes at Actorsite.
So when I look at the two directions I could go: negative or positive....well, it now just sounds silly to just throw in the towel and say I give up, doesn't it? Especially since there are so many things I could do to improve my situation.
I feel better now. Thank you. I still feel crappy about not killing in those two auditions today - but maybe I'm being too hard on myself. And one bad audition (or two) - or one bad performance does not mean I'm talentless, right?
The name of the game is perserverence. Bottom line. And you can't get better, or become one of the best, if you give up. I guess that's the lesson learned. :-)

3 Comments:

Blogger Tim said...

Maybe you just had a slightly off day...we all have those. Don't be rethinking your career based on one day. You're doing something that you love to do...something you WANT to do. Not a lot of people in the world can say that. Just keep at it and I'm sure things will fall into place and you'll have better days ahead. I've read the comments that other actors have left and they all seem to have a lot of respect for your talents, so keep your chin up and keep at it!

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We all have bad days. Keep your head up.

12:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very best site. Keep working. Will return in the near future.
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9:43 PM  

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