Know When to Fold 'Em

"You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run" - Kenny Rogers


Burnt Out -
Meaning #1: exhausted as a result of long-time stress
Meaning #2: inoperative as a result of heat or friction
Meaning #3: destroyed or badly damaged by fire

Ok, before I begin, I have to remind everyone that Yes, I am still a positive person. I'm usually the one person who believes everything will turn out fine when most are hiding under their sheets in bed. I've always been optimistic - that's not what this is about.

When I was a little girl, and I envisioned what my wildest dreams would be - I pictured myself in that little TV box being funny, being dramatic, just being ON THERE. I was excited about the unknown. Hollywood seemed like another country - another world - someplace I never thought I would visit much less get the opportunity to live and work there! I had no idea what a career in the industry meant - I just knew that every play that I did energized me and made me feel unlike anything I've ever felt. I had the greatest joy while on stage and I figured a professional career would keep that fire burning.
Well, it's been almost 10 years since I've started this career in LA. I acknowledge that I am extremely lucky with the work and success I have acquired in my short time here. (Yes, 10 years is considered short. I know people who have been here twice as long with half my experiences.) And for the longest time, I've always felt frustrated - like something was missing. I wasn't completely happy.
I figured it was because I wasn't working as often as I wanted. I told myself, once I start doing movies, and once I start making a living as an actress - I'll be happier.
What I've realized is, as an artist, Hollywood isn't the ideal place. Sure, it's a place where you have the possibility to make a living. Yes it's a place where people have been "discovered". Yes, it's a place where THOUSANDS come with the same dream hoping for a break. But this career can feel very stifling as an artist. And I use the word artist to separate from the business side of an actor. From my business side - it wasn't too bad. I got paid a lot of money for a short time on set. It wasn't great business considering it didn't happen everyday. It was sporadic. But I tried to convince myself that those jobs, those bookings, were worth the down time.
But as an artist - I want to create. I want to feel challenged. I want to tell stories. And I have to say, sometimes the roles I was offered lacked the meat I craved.

But I have come to the realization that I may be done.
Done with this whole thing.

I've always told myself that my biggest goal is to be happy. And acting had always made me happy. And I would stop when I stopped having fun. When I wasn't happy anymore.
Don't get me wrong - I still love acting. I am an actor down to my bones until the day I die. But do I have to be here, in the rat race of this industry? - no.
I think there are many things that are hard about this career. One day you could be up - making tons of money - and the next day, completely broke - borrowing money from your parents just to pay the rent. You could either have a day job which you hate, hoping for the day when you're back on set - or sitting in your apartment waiting for your next audition, since your last one was two months ago.
Then, when you do work, the work isn't challenging. In fact, it's downright sterotypical.

Yes, I may just be burnt out. I may just need a break.

But I have said this before, and my trip out the country didn't change things.
6 weeks back home didn't change things.
I felt slightly better, but then I was back in the rat race, miserable again.

And for the longest time, I've said I wanted to contribute something more to the world than just IMDB credits. I want to live my LIFE - not just my career. And I have to say, the 10 years living in Los Angeles, my life has been my career.

I'm ready for the next step.
I'm ready for a change.
I'm ready to be happy.

And I'm optimistic about that. :)